Lexicon of United Methodist Council of Bishops Including Terms Used in “A Way Forward”

or: If Ambrose Bierce Were a United Methodist

Bishop n.  in the UMC a clergy paid six figures a year to say things such as “I don’the know” and, “I can’t do anything about it.”

Centrist n. Progressive who understands they cannot survive without access to evangelical established trust funds.

Dialogue v. imperative mood Shut up and listen. The representative from RMN called upon the conference to dialogue. (not to be confused with listening. see)

Discipline, United Methodist  n. That which is compatible with the will of one having power to enact it. The Council of Bishops will seek to avoid further complaints, trials and harm while we uphold the United Methodist Discipline.

Holy Conferencing unknown

Hurtful adv. any assertion of Christian truth which existed prior to 2008 A.D. C.E. syn., hateful.  Our current Discipline contains language which is contradictory, unnecessarily hurtful, and inadequate…

Inclusive adj. Ecclesial term relating to a homogenous group of like-minded people united for a particular purpose. During General Conference it was frequently observed on social media that if we could just get rid of the white males, Africans, Europeans, Asians, charismatic Latinos and Latinas, and those King James reading Southern blacks, then we could have a much more inclusive and welcoming church.

Listening v. active search for approval of a course already decided upon. The Bishop is on a listening tour of the Districts.

Resolutions, Book of–Where those already disregarding church polity seek 2 tell others what they ought to do b/c church says so.

Unity adj. contractual obligation enforceable in civil court. Strengthening the unity of thechurch is a responsibility for all of us.

Vestments n. principally of two types: alb and robe. The alb is a plain tunic, usually white, and secured at the waist with a rope cincture intended to conceal all earthly raiment and marks of station. It dates to the first century as symbol of one’s service to Christ through his Church. The robe is an academic gown popularized in the 18th century by the heretic John Calvin. Frequently embroidered with velvet panels and chevrons to advertise the pastor’s numerous achievements, substantial rank, and worthiness of an extra burden on the church budget. The alb is worn in imitation of Christ: the robe in imitation of John Calvin. Both their initials are J.C., so, whatever.  The robe predominates among United Methodist Bishops.

Rainbow stole An additional vestment unknown to any Christian for twenty-one centuries. This multi colored cloth draped about the neck seems to serve the same purpose as the handwritten notes often attached to vending machines: “Out of Order.” Quite attractive against the black background of a robe with velvet panels and chevron inlays.

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